One random day

It's Trish herself here. Merlin and Mister are home. I'm at work, supposed to be working, but apparently, not. Last night was another revisit down the gutter. Just a small one. I guess it's been a while since my last visit so I got shaken a little. Trying my best to be strong, sane and logical, I do know my limitation. Knowing too damn well that there's nobody else but me to pull myself up, I couldn't help kicking and screaming asking for help from somebody, anybody. And when nobody hears it since I was kicking and screaming inside my head, and everybody is too busy with their own life to detect any signal I sent up the lonesome sky, it hurts. But of course it's going to hurt. Unrealistic expectation always clashes and burns when it hits reality. Whose fault is that? Of course, mine, for having such unrealistic expectation. Of course I know all the detail of what to feel, how to deal with thing, in which way I would think and process thing. It's just now and then that shit hits the fan and all things just crumble down. Having absolute control of one's emotion is impossible. We can only partially control the input. Life of solitude is certainly easy to maneuver, and guard against most fluctuation. To experience joy means opening yourself up for chance of being hurt. I guess, as one has beautifully put it, 'the butterfly will come out of the cocoon when the risk and the cost of remaining inside is higher than the risk of coming out'. Have I reached that point yet? I don't know. What do I want to do with my life? I don't know. I only know that I'm scared shitless right now and it's not the most comfortable place to be. I guess I'm at the transition stage, really high energy status. Two options lie before me; one is going forward and embracing it all, pains and all, the other one is climbing back into my own little dark corner. Well, in a way, my cocoon is not going to go anywhere, returning there now or a month from now would be pretty much the same except that I might get more bruises and cuts if I stay out longer. Do I care about getting more cuts? Well, I'm sure it couldn't be worse than what I have endured before. My counselor would be so proud of me to hear this. In worst case scenario, what would happen? Well, I would just get hurt and retreat to my safe haven and curl up with my Merlin and Mister. And that wouldn't be so bad, would it? At least, I know what it would be like already, and spending quality time with Merline and Mister and the Brother would be quite a lot of fun in itself too. How lovely.