Another random night

It's another random night that I can't sleep unless I get my thoughts sorted out. There're too many things running in my head. Things don't seem to make sense. I know I can't understand everything but I guess I still have too much expectation on understanding most thing that is related to me. I guess I can't really form theories based on my previous experiences. Yeah, they suck badly. But it doesn't always have to be that way. Do I really need operational assumptions? I guess having one would simplify things. But not having one might not be as hard to handle as I expected it to be. I guess I have to trust myself and my ability to handle situation a little more. And if it really comes down to being hurt, being on my knees, losing all self-respect I have gained, well, I came back from scratch more than once. I have more experience now. And I'm sure to recover if it comes down to the painful part. I know Mister and Merlin are smirking right now. (I can't really see their expression since we're all in a pretty dark room right now. Too lazy to turn on the light. But I sure can guess their expression.) My backup system would be so proud of me. A little less control of the situation is fine, tolerable, and might even be good for me since it would help me get stronger. With so much diversion, I guess not knowing what it's gonna be like isn't so bad. And in the worst case scenario, losing face is just another minor problem in real life I have to deal with. I have dealt with a lot worse.
/What.. Trisha.. You're so used to a person treating you badly that when a good one comes along, you don't know how to handle that? As long as you enjoy the moment you're in, you should be in good shape. Don't think too much. Don't overanalyze thing. I know it's your nature and it's ok to do it now and then. You know you have me to talk to whenever in doubt. We have plenty of hugs and kisses for you, too. Just go with the flow. Do what you have to do and cross the bridge when you get to it. There's no point thinking about this and that way way before you even get to the cross road. Who knows. You might just die tomorrow and you have just wasted your last night thinking about something that wouldn't have a chance of happening anyway instead of enjoy and appreciate your last night. What a waste. You know what I mean. We have been through it before. I believe in you and I know you're strong enough to get through it. You're just a little whinny tonight and it's ok. Let's get back in bed and enjoy the night so you're ready for all those tasks tomorrow. Even if tomorrow never comes, your last night would be better spent sleep soundly than whining over all these silly possibilities, ok? You silly thing.. good night.. sleep tight, baby.. It will all be fine./
I guess Merlin is done with his lecture and I should believe him and get to bed.. nite nite then.. until later, love..

One random day

It's Trish herself here. Merlin and Mister are home. I'm at work, supposed to be working, but apparently, not. Last night was another revisit down the gutter. Just a small one. I guess it's been a while since my last visit so I got shaken a little. Trying my best to be strong, sane and logical, I do know my limitation. Knowing too damn well that there's nobody else but me to pull myself up, I couldn't help kicking and screaming asking for help from somebody, anybody. And when nobody hears it since I was kicking and screaming inside my head, and everybody is too busy with their own life to detect any signal I sent up the lonesome sky, it hurts. But of course it's going to hurt. Unrealistic expectation always clashes and burns when it hits reality. Whose fault is that? Of course, mine, for having such unrealistic expectation. Of course I know all the detail of what to feel, how to deal with thing, in which way I would think and process thing. It's just now and then that shit hits the fan and all things just crumble down. Having absolute control of one's emotion is impossible. We can only partially control the input. Life of solitude is certainly easy to maneuver, and guard against most fluctuation. To experience joy means opening yourself up for chance of being hurt. I guess, as one has beautifully put it, 'the butterfly will come out of the cocoon when the risk and the cost of remaining inside is higher than the risk of coming out'. Have I reached that point yet? I don't know. What do I want to do with my life? I don't know. I only know that I'm scared shitless right now and it's not the most comfortable place to be. I guess I'm at the transition stage, really high energy status. Two options lie before me; one is going forward and embracing it all, pains and all, the other one is climbing back into my own little dark corner. Well, in a way, my cocoon is not going to go anywhere, returning there now or a month from now would be pretty much the same except that I might get more bruises and cuts if I stay out longer. Do I care about getting more cuts? Well, I'm sure it couldn't be worse than what I have endured before. My counselor would be so proud of me to hear this. In worst case scenario, what would happen? Well, I would just get hurt and retreat to my safe haven and curl up with my Merlin and Mister. And that wouldn't be so bad, would it? At least, I know what it would be like already, and spending quality time with Merline and Mister and the Brother would be quite a lot of fun in itself too. How lovely.

Hello again

It's Mister here. It's been a long while since my last posted. It's been more than a year since Merlin and I got banned from Trish's bed. So we're a little sad, and lonely. Still, it's not Trish's fault. She took me to Chiangmai to accompany her on a very emotionally tough journey and I got infected with bed bugs from that trip. The effects of those nasty bugs on Trish were horrific. To try to control the damage, she cooked me and Merlin in boiling water a few times, but it's not completely gone. She still tries to take us to her bed now and then though and it might be ok for a day or two before she got bite again. Damn all those nasty bugs. We shall see when we make it back to Trish's bed again. So now our usual spot is in the living room, on a table between bathroom and kitchen. At least, from here, we can watch Trish walking by everyday. She stops to play with us now and then but she has been pretty busy lately with her teaching job, among others. She put her Christmas tree next to us during the holiday season too and it's nice to chill out by the Christmas tree. Our first time ever to have our own Christmas tree. So that's exciting. Well, my life now is a little boring and without Trish's hugging us everyday, it's quite bland. But we still have hope. One day, it will be the same again. And even when Trish's not with us, cuddling with us, I know we're still in her heart. That would never change. And she will always have our heart, and total support. That's for sure.