just another night with rambling thoughts

Everybody falls.. it's bound to happen.. it's inevitable.. the difference for each person and each circumstance is how you deal with the fall.. with the mistakes.. did you hold your head up high and swallow your pride and take the responsibility and move on.. or did you wallow in your blood and tears and self-loath and pity.. and go on an on whining.. I'm so stupid.. I'm so shitty.. I'm a bad person.. I'm incompetent.. and all that..

as Crews said himself.. there's no past.. no future.. just present.. being in the moment.. dear.. move on.. concentrate with the moment so you don't make that type of mistake again.. that type of mistakes that so many people made along the way and you're in no way an exception.. you're just another person.. as imperfect as any other person in the world and nobody can blame you for that.. that's just how's everybody built to be.. imperfection makes human.. we all can strive for perfection but expectation of oneself is only setting oneself up for disappointment..

it's been hard and all.. you have just moved away from the gutter for a little too long.. and you're not used to that.. you're not used to losing control, dwelling in pain, wallowing in blood anymore.. but that doesn't mean that staying at the bottom of the pit will ease the pain.. will help you get you used to the pain.. the only thing it might do you is numbing you.. do you want that.. are you ready to close yourself off from all those pleasures of the world in the same time.. there's only one way in.. you know that.. you can't pick what coming in.. be it pain or joy.. but you can choose to open or close the door.. and after so many years of closed in.. locked up in that little cell.. you finally found the courage to open the door to the light.. and you're going back in there again? it doesn't worth it.. pain.. as well as joy.. just comes and goes.. that's part of life.. feel it.. learn from it.. and let it go.. let it go.. let it go.. you don't have to understand here to be here.. baby.. again.. from Charlie.. it doesn't matter how much you want to pick apart your brain to see what's wrong.. what's upsetting you.. that make you dive head first to all those pain again.. it doesn't really matter too much... the feeling is here.. acknowledge it.. accept it.. and let it go.. it might linger.. it might fly away.. another wave might high.. it might be coming down.. fast.. but.. hey.. once you hit rock bottom.. the only way to go is up.. right?.. and even bad lately haven't been that bad.. all those work weren't all to waste.. it's ok.. everything will be ok.. and even if the bottom fell apart and you fall further.. so what.. free falling now and then can be a thrill, can't it.. it's ok.. baby.. it's ok.. everything will be fine.. everything is all right.. everything will be fine.. it's just a mistake.. people do it.. you're just another human babe.. you're a cute little human girl.. you made mistakes too.. and it's ok.. you're not in your best form.. so what.. it's just another day that's over.. now it's a new day.. and another chance to get things right.. do things properly.. or at least.. the best you can.. I know you can do it.. you can always do your best.. I have faith in you.. as well as Mister.. and Merlin.. and even Martin.. somewhere out there.. he's looking at some stars.. thinking about you.. believing in you.. that you're a good girl.. and it's ok.. you know they love you for who you are and it doesn't matter if you make a mistake or not.. you're still their love.. they're there.. Martin might not be there.. but he's always in your heart.. and you're always in his.. but Mister and Merlin are there.. on your bed.. whenever you want them.. they're there.. waiting for you.. waiting to comfort you.. give you a hug.. give you a sweet kiss.. as always.. that never change.. and it never will.. it's just another day.. it's just another mistake.. it doesn't worth fretting over.. it doesn't worth getting worked up over.. it's not productive.. if you think you linger enough.. the good thing about present is that.. you can snap your finger.. and then.. you have another present to play with.. you don't like what you have been doing.. good.. change it.. right here.. right now.. it's all in your hand.. for you to decide.. does it feel good to have control?... isn't it lovely..

I love you babe.. I always will.. and I think you're ok now.. just breath.. stay in the moment.. thinking of Charlie if that makes you smile.. finish up and go home to your lovely teddy if you want.. it's your night.. it's your life.. I love you babe.. and I'm always here if you want me.. so.. good night.. sleep tight... and don't let the bed bug bite.. my sunshine.. sweet dream

Trish's random thought

Death, I welcome you with open arms and open heart.

Thanks for sparing me time to enjoy life while it lasts,

and thanks for not letting it drags on for too long, since I start to get tired.

Sorry, babe, but I don't know when I ran out of fire.

All in all, it has been a fun journey,

from the bottomless pit to where I finally stand.

Thanks for all the great friends and wonderful families.

Not everybody is that lucky. I know I'm a fortunate man.

And for those bruises and cuts, well, that's part of life.

There's always up and down, which is the case if you take the flight.

They said what didn't kill you only makes you stronger.

well, I'm one tough cookie, with the mighty mouse's might.

You might consider my view morbid.

I call it, 'never lose sight of where I'm heading'.

For all those beautiful song birds out there,

there's always one day that each and everyone of them will no longer sing.

I know my days are numbered

and I won't be here for long,

as I try to make everyday count

before having to sing my last song.

Trish's new obsession

Mister is here.. Merlin is spending his night in Trish's backpack since she wants to make sure she doesn't forget him for her Retreat trip. It's been a while since I get to say hi to you guys. Too busy finding my way around Trish's four pillows and three blankets (until recently). And that's a good segway into the part about Trish's new obsession.. which is the new addition to Trish's bed.. a new blanket.. OK.. OK.. Trish tries to correct me.. He's actually an oversized throw.. whatever you say.. dear.. so.. he's blue.. and he's mightily soft.. he's so soft and comfy and warm Trish has been so obsessed about him that she's just put aside the other blankets.. and just indulge in this new toy..  The thing is.. she got him for costco and she still hasn't washed him.. even though he's machine-washable.. but she doesn't want to risk losing his softness.. he's heavenly right now and it would be sad if washing ruins him.. so.. I guess we have to wait until Trish becomes a little more immune to his softness before he's washed.. 

anyway, as usual.. Trish is so easily pleased.. good food.. loads of sugar.. soft things.. happy as a clam.. it's nice to be Trish.. isn't it?.. :)

One of those nights

I guess it's one of those nights that all three of us are in bed and Trish can't sleep. She hates this kind of moment. No wonder she either works so long hours until she's really tired and collapses and passed out or simply just draw herself to sleep with all those endless series, be it japanese or chinese or thai. Any sounds, anything to help her run away from this thing she can't get herself to forget. She has tried very hard to come to peace with it.. understand it.. see it for what it is.. put it behind her.. Some of those strategies work, but not all the time. At least she's allowed some peaceful moments, here and there, and then comes along a night like this.. or more like a period of time.. since she has been buried herself in these busy busy schedules of simply doing nothing.. of being outside herself.. of just keep running until drop down and die.. of fear of what will happen if she stops all the intake.. what kind of memory will come up? how much pain will it bring?.. will she be at the bottom of the pit again?.. can she muster the energy to climb back up for a thousand times..

wow.. it actually works. I just keep babbling and that put Trish to bed.. nice nice.. I will continue putting Trish in bed then.. nite nite and I shall talk to you later when the time is right. Hopefully, not because of a night like this

Trish's note to self

ok.. extraordinary guy wants extraordinary girl.. I'm just a simple ordinary girl.. so there is no point hoping for an extraordinary guy like in all those rom-com.. get real.. girl..

OK.. Another note.. among guys in my life.. I don't know why I always dream of Mr.Y. I mean.. ok.. he was my first love.. kinda.. even though it's not a real love.. more like.. puppy love.. and he's not even that good as a bf.. too much pain involved.. He still ventured into my dream.. but even Love.. I don't even dream of Love that much.. in fact.. never.. I guess I think of him too much during the day already.. no need to revisit at night, huh?

Person who passed by..

It's Trish's turn to take control of the keyboard, with Mister and Merlin on her side.  Someone used to say that each person that enter our lives each serve some purposes. The purposes might not be so obvious at the moment.. or even long after the person had walked out of our lives.. But they entered, did what they have to do, and just walked out.. Amazing, isn't it? And when the time of departure arrives, life takes its own course.. there's nothing you can do to stop it from happening.. You could try your best.. but in the end.. you would be sitting there on the floor.. with bruises and scratches on your hand and legs.. from holding on the rope for too long.. and it only prolong the ending just a few minutes.. and left with a lot of painful memories of the struggle to let go.

But, for real though, struggling to let go is part of life.. it's part of human nature.. you found something you want.. you really want.. something that bring you joy.. brighten up your world, bring you to places you couldn't even imagine.. and then.. on one magnificent day.. that thing is to be taken away.. oh.. now you kick.. and you scream.. and you beg in tears.. just to have it for only a little longer.. you're on your knee.. willing to trade everything you own for just one more moments with the 'Thing'.. and if you actually get that moment.. you still want more.. it never ends.. 

The 'Thing' got taken away anyway.. and you feel like you would never recover.. it's not possible.. The pain is too harsh.. the cut is too deep.. you're bleeding inside.. wallowing in your own blood and tears.. nothing will ever cure you.. the pain.. the sorrow.. the suffering is here to stay.. Time will heal.. BS.. it can heal other pains.. but not this.. not this time.. not this lost.. you can't survive without the 'Thing'..

And one way.. over the blue moon.. another stranger passed by.. it's not love.. it's not even attraction.. it's just a conversation.. a glance.. or even a gush of wind in a quiet afternoon.. and it's just like the key was unlocked.. the weight you have been carrying just disappear.. or more like.. you found a way to put it down.. a door appears from nothingness.. and upon opening the door, you exit a black-and-white dream and entering this lush colorful reality.. where everything can be appreciated.. each bite of food is full of flavor.. the wind caress you softly.. the sun sprinkles some kisses... and the world is full of these little surprises that keep you giggle or at least smirk.. and you wonder.. where have I been all these times.. what had just happened.. and it's just a person who passed by..