Another random night

It's another random night that I can't sleep unless I get my thoughts sorted out. There're too many things running in my head. Things don't seem to make sense. I know I can't understand everything but I guess I still have too much expectation on understanding most thing that is related to me. I guess I can't really form theories based on my previous experiences. Yeah, they suck badly. But it doesn't always have to be that way. Do I really need operational assumptions? I guess having one would simplify things. But not having one might not be as hard to handle as I expected it to be. I guess I have to trust myself and my ability to handle situation a little more. And if it really comes down to being hurt, being on my knees, losing all self-respect I have gained, well, I came back from scratch more than once. I have more experience now. And I'm sure to recover if it comes down to the painful part. I know Mister and Merlin are smirking right now. (I can't really see their expression since we're all in a pretty dark room right now. Too lazy to turn on the light. But I sure can guess their expression.) My backup system would be so proud of me. A little less control of the situation is fine, tolerable, and might even be good for me since it would help me get stronger. With so much diversion, I guess not knowing what it's gonna be like isn't so bad. And in the worst case scenario, losing face is just another minor problem in real life I have to deal with. I have dealt with a lot worse.
/What.. Trisha.. You're so used to a person treating you badly that when a good one comes along, you don't know how to handle that? As long as you enjoy the moment you're in, you should be in good shape. Don't think too much. Don't overanalyze thing. I know it's your nature and it's ok to do it now and then. You know you have me to talk to whenever in doubt. We have plenty of hugs and kisses for you, too. Just go with the flow. Do what you have to do and cross the bridge when you get to it. There's no point thinking about this and that way way before you even get to the cross road. Who knows. You might just die tomorrow and you have just wasted your last night thinking about something that wouldn't have a chance of happening anyway instead of enjoy and appreciate your last night. What a waste. You know what I mean. We have been through it before. I believe in you and I know you're strong enough to get through it. You're just a little whinny tonight and it's ok. Let's get back in bed and enjoy the night so you're ready for all those tasks tomorrow. Even if tomorrow never comes, your last night would be better spent sleep soundly than whining over all these silly possibilities, ok? You silly thing.. good night.. sleep tight, baby.. It will all be fine./
I guess Merlin is done with his lecture and I should believe him and get to bed.. nite nite then.. until later, love..

One random day

It's Trish herself here. Merlin and Mister are home. I'm at work, supposed to be working, but apparently, not. Last night was another revisit down the gutter. Just a small one. I guess it's been a while since my last visit so I got shaken a little. Trying my best to be strong, sane and logical, I do know my limitation. Knowing too damn well that there's nobody else but me to pull myself up, I couldn't help kicking and screaming asking for help from somebody, anybody. And when nobody hears it since I was kicking and screaming inside my head, and everybody is too busy with their own life to detect any signal I sent up the lonesome sky, it hurts. But of course it's going to hurt. Unrealistic expectation always clashes and burns when it hits reality. Whose fault is that? Of course, mine, for having such unrealistic expectation. Of course I know all the detail of what to feel, how to deal with thing, in which way I would think and process thing. It's just now and then that shit hits the fan and all things just crumble down. Having absolute control of one's emotion is impossible. We can only partially control the input. Life of solitude is certainly easy to maneuver, and guard against most fluctuation. To experience joy means opening yourself up for chance of being hurt. I guess, as one has beautifully put it, 'the butterfly will come out of the cocoon when the risk and the cost of remaining inside is higher than the risk of coming out'. Have I reached that point yet? I don't know. What do I want to do with my life? I don't know. I only know that I'm scared shitless right now and it's not the most comfortable place to be. I guess I'm at the transition stage, really high energy status. Two options lie before me; one is going forward and embracing it all, pains and all, the other one is climbing back into my own little dark corner. Well, in a way, my cocoon is not going to go anywhere, returning there now or a month from now would be pretty much the same except that I might get more bruises and cuts if I stay out longer. Do I care about getting more cuts? Well, I'm sure it couldn't be worse than what I have endured before. My counselor would be so proud of me to hear this. In worst case scenario, what would happen? Well, I would just get hurt and retreat to my safe haven and curl up with my Merlin and Mister. And that wouldn't be so bad, would it? At least, I know what it would be like already, and spending quality time with Merline and Mister and the Brother would be quite a lot of fun in itself too. How lovely.

Hello again

It's Mister here. It's been a long while since my last posted. It's been more than a year since Merlin and I got banned from Trish's bed. So we're a little sad, and lonely. Still, it's not Trish's fault. She took me to Chiangmai to accompany her on a very emotionally tough journey and I got infected with bed bugs from that trip. The effects of those nasty bugs on Trish were horrific. To try to control the damage, she cooked me and Merlin in boiling water a few times, but it's not completely gone. She still tries to take us to her bed now and then though and it might be ok for a day or two before she got bite again. Damn all those nasty bugs. We shall see when we make it back to Trish's bed again. So now our usual spot is in the living room, on a table between bathroom and kitchen. At least, from here, we can watch Trish walking by everyday. She stops to play with us now and then but she has been pretty busy lately with her teaching job, among others. She put her Christmas tree next to us during the holiday season too and it's nice to chill out by the Christmas tree. Our first time ever to have our own Christmas tree. So that's exciting. Well, my life now is a little boring and without Trish's hugging us everyday, it's quite bland. But we still have hope. One day, it will be the same again. And even when Trish's not with us, cuddling with us, I know we're still in her heart. That would never change. And she will always have our heart, and total support. That's for sure.

Trish's exciting episode

It's Mister here.. Actually.. Merlin is here, too. We have been giggling about Trish's recent panic episode for a while. I mean, ok.. if we said panic episode, then that's not laughing matter, but if you know the cause that trickers it, you would have been laughing like we do, too. So, in short, Trish went out with a friend and after she got back, she wasn't sure if it's just friends hanging out or is it more like a date. I know.. I know.. Trish is more than 30 and it's kinda funny that she doesn't know for sure what can be categorized as a date. Anyway, after consulting some experts, it seems to lean more toward a date and that triggers a slight concern on Trish's part.. which is understandable. Trish confessed that this friend somehow reminds her of Love. So if he actually wants her, Trish is a dead fish. It's even worse than shooting fishes in a barrel. So now, Trish is trying her hardest not to behave like an obsessive girl, trying to keep herself occupy other ways so she wouldn't have to think about this. We shall see if that works. Worst come to worst, whatever she ends up doing, we still support her and will be there for her and won't really judge her. We keep trying to tell her that with hope that one day she would believe us for real.. instead of just nod.. yes yes.. I know.. I know..

Brief greeting from Mister

Hi there.. It's Mister here.. It has been a while since the last time I blogged. Trish hasn't been home that much (except when she's sick and had to sleep for 12 hrs a day, but then she got up and spent the other 12 hrs in the lab anyway) and I'm not that fluent with technology so I have to wait until Trish's here with me before i can blog and say hi to you. And I don't even think I can stay online long tonight.. Trish is a little tired from work and she will fall asleep pretty soon, so I only have time until she warms her feet up enough. I mean.. she's nice enough.. she will wait until I'm done before going to bed and she wouldn't really complain if I'm gonna take a while.. but I just want her to get enough rest.. And somehow, on a day like today, she's quite cuddly and keep sniffling my head and merlin's head.. maybe it's just her way of kissing us.. She told us she loves our smell.. that we don't really smell good or anything.. we just have this smell of something she's used to.. something she's comfortable with.. something the helps her relax.. maybe that's why she always take at least one of us with her.. everywhere.. every retreat.. every meeting.. she took me to DC.. but she took Merlin to Tahoe.. we normally spent our time on her bed.. but we don't really care about getting to see things anyway.. we just want to accompany her and be there when she needs us.. On our trip to Boston, well.. Merlin wasn't there but i was, she did took me out on a sightseeing trip with her.. i actually got to be in a few pictures especially on that acorn street or whatever that famous street is.. looking studious and all, reading the guild book.. Trish loves to do that.. she doesn't like to be in the pictures too too much, she just prefers me being in it..

anyway.. I guess that's enough babbling for tonight.. her feet got warmed.. all the blankets are ready.. it's cuddle time.. the time I have been waiting for the whole day.. i will catch you later then..

the lovely sun

I think I have an obsession with the sunset. It might be just that i can't get up early for sunrise most morning, so sunset is the only time i can watch the transition. And every time, it's simply exquisite. It is amazing how such wonder can be repeated everyday, with minor alteration. With the walk along the shoreline, I hope only to test a new lens, but I do get a lot more than that. I should try this a bit more often. It's just some really simple pleasures that free of charge. And with the camera, interestingly, the sun just reminds me of a really good kisser. The scene that came up in my head was that of Romeo and Juliet, on the night he climbed to her bedroom patio to confess his love. That morning, they spent time after time kissing the last kiss, over and over. It's just never enough. One more. One more. For me, shooting the sunset is like that. Just like kissing the love of your life, and always asking for more. How the light actually kissed the clouds and how it changes every second are hard to take my eyes off.

Thanks Love, for introducing me and helping me appreciate such beauty again. Even though you're no longer here with me, the effects from how you have touched my life will remain with me. I might not have your kiss, but you teach me how to feel the kiss from the Sun. I might not be in your arms, but I can feel the wind's gentle touch. And on the nights that I miss you dearly and wish I could tell you how much I still love you and care about you, I just ask the Lady of the Night to bring you my message in her soothing glow and her little twinkle sparks. It has been so long. Surprisingly, I just can't love you even a little less. I might be too much in love with Love. I might still be too much in love with you. Or I might just be too much in love with the memories of you. For all I know, I'm just too much in love to fall in love again.

just another night with rambling thoughts

Everybody falls.. it's bound to happen.. it's inevitable.. the difference for each person and each circumstance is how you deal with the fall.. with the mistakes.. did you hold your head up high and swallow your pride and take the responsibility and move on.. or did you wallow in your blood and tears and self-loath and pity.. and go on an on whining.. I'm so stupid.. I'm so shitty.. I'm a bad person.. I'm incompetent.. and all that..

as Crews said himself.. there's no past.. no future.. just present.. being in the moment.. dear.. move on.. concentrate with the moment so you don't make that type of mistake again.. that type of mistakes that so many people made along the way and you're in no way an exception.. you're just another person.. as imperfect as any other person in the world and nobody can blame you for that.. that's just how's everybody built to be.. imperfection makes human.. we all can strive for perfection but expectation of oneself is only setting oneself up for disappointment..

it's been hard and all.. you have just moved away from the gutter for a little too long.. and you're not used to that.. you're not used to losing control, dwelling in pain, wallowing in blood anymore.. but that doesn't mean that staying at the bottom of the pit will ease the pain.. will help you get you used to the pain.. the only thing it might do you is numbing you.. do you want that.. are you ready to close yourself off from all those pleasures of the world in the same time.. there's only one way in.. you know that.. you can't pick what coming in.. be it pain or joy.. but you can choose to open or close the door.. and after so many years of closed in.. locked up in that little cell.. you finally found the courage to open the door to the light.. and you're going back in there again? it doesn't worth it.. pain.. as well as joy.. just comes and goes.. that's part of life.. feel it.. learn from it.. and let it go.. let it go.. let it go.. you don't have to understand here to be here.. baby.. again.. from Charlie.. it doesn't matter how much you want to pick apart your brain to see what's wrong.. what's upsetting you.. that make you dive head first to all those pain again.. it doesn't really matter too much... the feeling is here.. acknowledge it.. accept it.. and let it go.. it might linger.. it might fly away.. another wave might high.. it might be coming down.. fast.. but.. hey.. once you hit rock bottom.. the only way to go is up.. right?.. and even bad lately haven't been that bad.. all those work weren't all to waste.. it's ok.. everything will be ok.. and even if the bottom fell apart and you fall further.. so what.. free falling now and then can be a thrill, can't it.. it's ok.. baby.. it's ok.. everything will be fine.. everything is all right.. everything will be fine.. it's just a mistake.. people do it.. you're just another human babe.. you're a cute little human girl.. you made mistakes too.. and it's ok.. you're not in your best form.. so what.. it's just another day that's over.. now it's a new day.. and another chance to get things right.. do things properly.. or at least.. the best you can.. I know you can do it.. you can always do your best.. I have faith in you.. as well as Mister.. and Merlin.. and even Martin.. somewhere out there.. he's looking at some stars.. thinking about you.. believing in you.. that you're a good girl.. and it's ok.. you know they love you for who you are and it doesn't matter if you make a mistake or not.. you're still their love.. they're there.. Martin might not be there.. but he's always in your heart.. and you're always in his.. but Mister and Merlin are there.. on your bed.. whenever you want them.. they're there.. waiting for you.. waiting to comfort you.. give you a hug.. give you a sweet kiss.. as always.. that never change.. and it never will.. it's just another day.. it's just another mistake.. it doesn't worth fretting over.. it doesn't worth getting worked up over.. it's not productive.. if you think you linger enough.. the good thing about present is that.. you can snap your finger.. and then.. you have another present to play with.. you don't like what you have been doing.. good.. change it.. right here.. right now.. it's all in your hand.. for you to decide.. does it feel good to have control?... isn't it lovely..

I love you babe.. I always will.. and I think you're ok now.. just breath.. stay in the moment.. thinking of Charlie if that makes you smile.. finish up and go home to your lovely teddy if you want.. it's your night.. it's your life.. I love you babe.. and I'm always here if you want me.. so.. good night.. sleep tight... and don't let the bed bug bite.. my sunshine.. sweet dream